I’m always tired because I don’t sleep.
I don’t sleep because I feel like I could get an adequate amount down when I don’t sleep. Not more work done, just a normal load of work done.
It’s been god knows how long I’ve been dealing with this. Time management just seemed to be a concept me past 10 years old never seemed to get.
Teenager me dealt with it well because it was okay to fail at a lot of stuff back then. The stuff I had to pass up meant shit. I’d given up.
But working adult me is feeling all the pressure now. I don’t want to pass up shit. I like what I’m doing and I don’t want to give it up.
I don’t sleep because it’s not okay to fail. I swear I’m not slacking off. I swear I don’t want to slack off.
The simple, oh so simple solution is to just sit down, and focus on my work a 100%. I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried. Some days I can, some days I can’t. And now it’s becoming really really clear that the ‘can’t’ days are more than the ‘can’.
And well, not working is obviously not an option for like, ever.
And the jobs I’m having now are already the most lenient jobs ever. And I feel like I’m just terrible.
Terrible at maintaining any sort of schedule, terrible at keeping up a healthy lifestyle, terrible at optimizing the time that has been given to me.
And I’m anxious. And I’m angry. And I’m tired. And I’m feeling all the effects. And it hurts.
The one thing I’m good at, like, the one thing I know that I won’t screw up, is my writing. How I write, what I write; my command is par good enough.
I write good. I’m just not a good writer.