I’m in the mood for a rant 😀

SO it’s no secret that I can’t speak any dialect of Chinese language whatsoever. I mean, I know enough to know what you’re basically saying to me, but not enough to respond verbally in the same language in most cases.

And I’m not even trying to keep it a secret, I just can’t say anything quick enough before being bombarded with

“YOU CHINESE?! WAI YOU NO SPEAK CHINESE?!”

And I wish, OMG how I wish I could respond with

“You look like a dumbass. How come you’re not dumb?”

**Dumb = stupid/ silent/ mute

or

“MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS”

But I can’t. BECAUUUUSE the majority of people I get that from are old ladies and children. And for some reason, replying with those exact words will make me look worse than a racist.

I know, I know. The old ladies came from a different time and place, where everyone could speak their language and the even educated could speak both languages. And children. Sweet little shits don’t know anything about the world, so they don’t have the capacity to understand that someone like me can exist. I understand. I do.

BUT FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKK it’s so bloody annoying and even hurtful when they stay stuck in their little yellow clam shells of a world, and then BOOM black speck like me comes along and totally screws with their worldview of people having fair yellow skin speaking languages that people who do have fair yellow skin would speak naturally. And it so happens that I’m in a part of the world where that language is Chinese.

So then comes the torrential expressions of mild confusion, major horror and the not occasional enough faces of ABSOLUTE REPULSE. And I’m not even making a mountain out of a molehill here, I mean actual eyebrows-fly-up-mouth-drops-open-slightly-how-could-you-not-faces. And then the bombardment of BUT YOU ARE CHINESE in the Chinese language.

I have heard it too many times to mistake that reaction for anything else. Trust me, I know when people are repulsed at me as me 😛

I kid you not, I was in church (when I still went to church, but that’s another matter) when there was this yellow-skinned family who had run into a yellow-skinned poodle aunty who they hadn’t apparently seen in a while.

I call her poodle aunty because she was, at least she looked like (to me) one of those ladies who have just a liiiiiittle hard time letting go of their good ole’ pretty days. Caking make up on and dying their hair type. Not that I have anything against that, but I sadly just have a little too much hate in me as a person.

Anyway, me and my mom had just passed them on the way out of church when I hear, and I quote

“AIYO you cannot speak Chinese ar? CANNOT, MUST LEARN WAN!”

Spoken to the little girl of the yellow-skinned family, probably 8-9 years old. By the poodle aunty. And my mom had an internal laugh riot when she saw the utter disgust spread across my face. Story of my childhood all in that quote.

It’s people like that poodle aunty that I have mini internal panic attacks when someone, no matter how nice or how saintly they may be speaks to me in any Chinese dialect. ANY ONE.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for learning a new language. But please do forgive me for having a semi-traumatic reaction when the Chinese language is brought up.

I have met some good yellow-skinned people, who tolerated my inability to not speak the language of the yellow-skinned, or encouraged me to keep trying even when I sounded like “white person”, or took the time to teach me how to say “Sorry, can we speak English instead?// I can’t speak Chinese// My Chinese is bad”

I’ve been shamed for not being able to pronounce the Chinese slur people like me are termed with. Even more so when my Indian English teacher could pronounce it and I still couldn’t.

“Xiang Jiao”. Banana in literal translation. Because I’m YELLOW on the OUTSIDE and WHITE on the INSIDE.

I can’t order food properly, I can’t ask for directions, I can’t even well-wish people during Chinese New Year and the greeting is literally slap-pasted all over the place during the season.

I apparently am a lesser being for not speaking like I look.

Now, you may say that I am just butt-hurt. Or I am making things harder for myself because I CHOOSE NOT to learn Chinese.

I am done justifying myself. No amount of “I am not pure Chinese// My whole family right up to my great-grandmother speaks English// I am westernised trash” will ever suffice.

I am an angry, white poser, racist to “my own culture”, shouldn’t look the way I look Chinese girl. Yippie-ky-ay ching chong ping pong.

I got angry just writing all this out LOL 😛 800+ words of nonsensical racist hate right out just like that.

And I just might like to add as a final word, I have NEVER met any non yellow-skinned person who shamed me for not being able to speak yellow-skin language. Just saying.

I’m 22 years old. It’s time to move on. Onset Nihilism setting in 😛

Advertisements